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The Arrogance of Early Risers by =bekkia:iconbekkia:


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©2009 =bekkia
:iconbekkia:

Author's Comments

i feel like writing poetry today but i don't know why

Full title:
The Arrogance of Early Risers or L'Inconnue de la Seine

Comments


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:iconkneelingglory:
Second line, their is the wrong pronoun, but changing it to 'one's wedding' sounds clunky, too. Maybe simplify it to 'She wore a white dress the way a bride would'...or sommat like that.

I really like this piece, all the little images that add up to the big picture, and I get a feeling of underlying tenderness throughout. The seemingly random rhyme and assonance and alliteration peppered throughout make it a fun piece to read aloud. Now if only I knew French! :)

--
*DailyLitDeviations | *Critique-It | =TheContestClub | *DailyDeviants

Not For Sale: Fighting Human Slavery
:iconbekkia:
That line sucks in general, so i fixed it. The last line means "all the days of her life".
:iconkneelingglory:
Much better :thumbsup:

I'm playing around with how it would be pronounced. I think I've got it, and gah, its so much prettier in French.

--
*DailyLitDeviations | *Critique-It | =TheContestClub | *DailyDeviants

Not For Sale: Fighting Human Slavery
:iconbekkia:
It's basically too lah joor (rhymes with door) duh mah vee.
:iconbekkia:
and by lah i mean lay.
:iconpopsiclerot:
like all of your writing it feels intimate, vivid, and just so bright. i can't find the right words, sadly, but i'll leave that up to you.

one thing though, in the fourth line of the first stanza, should 'chinese pairs' be 'chinese pears'? just wondering haha
:iconbekkia:
Wow. I'm the worst proofreader in teh world.
:iconpopsiclerot:
hahaha don't even worry
i'm about five million times worse

Details

November 6
1.3 KB

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